Since writing my blogs for fathers, in which I provided questions they can ask a future son-in-law or daughter-in-law, I thought it might also be helpful to provide some questions a couple should answer before ever getting engaged. These questions make sure a couple covers all necessary bases before committing to marriage. If the couple doesn’t have these answered before engagement, then certainly they should have them answered before saying, “I Do.”
1. Are you saved? Do you have a personal relationship with Christ?
2. How are you growing in your relationship with God?
3. What helps you to grow in your relationship with Christ?
4. What do you believe your life calling is?
5. Do you desire to pray with your spouse?
6. Do you read the Bible regularly? Do you enjoy time in God’s Word?
7. What type of church do you attend/want to attend?
8. What do I do that encourages you the most in your relationship with God?
9. What is your understanding of the roles of the husband and wife in marriage?
10. How do you envision your marriage glorifying God?
11. What is your philosophy of parenting?
12. What type of budget do you live on? Talk to me about your standard of living and/or your anticipated standard of living once married?
13. Are you in debt? If so, how much?
14. Do you tithe? Do you think a Christian should tithe?
15. What was your relationship like with your parents growing up, and now?
16. What are some of the most painful things you went through as a child?
17. What is something difficult you have been through and how have you grown through it?
18. Do you have any painful things in your past that you have not been healed of?
19. What have your previous dating relationships been like?
20. What do anticipate being your top three needs in marriage?
21. How are you willing to sacrifice in your marriage?
22. How do you anticipate your spouse sacrificing for you?
23. How do you anticipate responding if your spouse is not meeting your needs and things are not going well?
24. Are you willing to get counseling in your marriage if it needs help or is not going very good?
25. Once children come, how do you want things to be in the family in terms of the mother staying home, working, etc.?
26. What do you like to do for vacations?
27. Where do you anticipate spending holidays once you are married?
28. Do you take any medication and if so, for what?
29. How often are you moody or depressed, and how might your spouse be sensitive to that in the marriage?
30. What are the most important qualities for your spouse to possess?
31. What do you like to do for fun when you have free time?
32. Are you a virgin? If not, have you repented of that sin(s)?
33. Are you willing to take a blood test for STDs?
34. How have you experienced the forgiveness of God in your life?
35. How have you experienced the power of the Holy Spirit in your life?
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Fathers: Questions to Ask a Girl Dating Your Son!
Fathers, the following are some questions to ask a possible future spouse for your son! With commentary provided in italix.
Once your son is in a serious relationship, you might consider asking the young woman some (or all) of the following questions. Of course, her dad should be grilling your son, but it also helps for you to ask her the following questions (notice there aren’t as many as for the son dating your daughter). For some these might seem a bit too intimate, but my goal is to have such a close relationship with her that it wouldn’t even be that awkward.
1. Have you received Christ as the Forgiver and Leader of your life?/Tell me about your conversion experience. If this woman is not saved, she is disqualified immediately because I don’t want my son being unequally yoked. Marriage is hard enough when you are equally yoked.
2. Where are you at with the Lord right now, and what are you doing to grow in your relationship with Him? This tells me if she is a growing Christian. It also tells me what spiritual disciplines she practices. If she can’t be disciplined as a single woman, not much chance she will once married.
3. Are you in an accountability relationship with another woman (or women’s group)? The women she has in her life will tell me a lot about how teachable she is.
4. Tell me about your relationship with your parents (the good and not so good)? Often a woman will treat her husband the way she treats her dad. You might talk to her father about how she treats him.
5. What needs do you have in your life in which my son will need to be sensitive to in order for this marriage to work well? The more I know about her needs, the more I can help my son be a great husband.
6. What do you enjoy doing in your free time and whom do you do it with? How a woman spends her time and whom she spends it with tells me a lot about her.
7. What is your understanding of the roles of the husband and wife in a marriage? What role do you expect my son to play in the marriage? What role do you see yourself having? It is very important to get a person’s expectations on the table before the “I Do” is said. I am asking this as much for my son as I am for my sake.
8. What attracts you to my son? Certainly the physical will be part of it (or should be), but it better not be all there is. The more character qualities she mentions, the more points she gains with me. I really hope to hear that she respects him!
9. How much debt are you bringing into this marriage? Many people have college loans. I want my son to know what he will have to handle as the provider. Hopefully he already knows the answer to this question.
10. What are some of your guiding principles and philosophies of parenting? This woman will be the mother of my grandkids. Pretty important!
11. When you have children, do you desire to be a stay-home mom or work outside the home? I hope she wants to be home with the kids, and I certainly hope my son’s salary would allow her to be home.
12. Tell me about your past dating relationships. This will make a lot of people squirm, but if she has made some mistakes (which most of us have), how has she made past wrongs right and gained a clear conscience? My son will suffer if she brings past baggage into the marriage.
13. How will you respond when my son is struggling in some area, like with anger or lust? I should probably share with her what I have observed to be some of the major struggles in my son’s life. She probably already knows them. She needs to know what she is getting into, because we can so easily hide our weakness when dating.
14. If you ever feel like my son is putting his work or hobbies before you, how will you respond? Can she speak the truth in love?
15. What is your biggest fear or apprehension about marriage?
16. What will you do if you are struggling in this marriage and an old boyfriend tries to make contact with you on the Internet? Marriage counselors tell us that the Internet is in some way a major force in 70% of all divorces.
17. What will you do when your sex drive decreases but his stays the same or increases (this often occurs after you have a child)? What will you do to avoid sexual immorality in the marriage? No commentary needed here, because the importance of this area is obvious to all.
18. Are you physically healthy? Are you willing to take a blood test for STDs? When I got married we had to do this. Can’t believe this isn’t required today.
19. What is something in your past that was painful or difficult, and how have you trusted God through it? This is a great question to ask any fellow follower of Christ.
20. Do you have any questions for me? The questions people ask tell me a lot about them.
Now that we are done with questions, I have a statement to make: if my son ever treats you poorly, feel free to come to me, and I will do everything I can to help.
Once your son is in a serious relationship, you might consider asking the young woman some (or all) of the following questions. Of course, her dad should be grilling your son, but it also helps for you to ask her the following questions (notice there aren’t as many as for the son dating your daughter). For some these might seem a bit too intimate, but my goal is to have such a close relationship with her that it wouldn’t even be that awkward.
1. Have you received Christ as the Forgiver and Leader of your life?/Tell me about your conversion experience. If this woman is not saved, she is disqualified immediately because I don’t want my son being unequally yoked. Marriage is hard enough when you are equally yoked.
2. Where are you at with the Lord right now, and what are you doing to grow in your relationship with Him? This tells me if she is a growing Christian. It also tells me what spiritual disciplines she practices. If she can’t be disciplined as a single woman, not much chance she will once married.
3. Are you in an accountability relationship with another woman (or women’s group)? The women she has in her life will tell me a lot about how teachable she is.
4. Tell me about your relationship with your parents (the good and not so good)? Often a woman will treat her husband the way she treats her dad. You might talk to her father about how she treats him.
5. What needs do you have in your life in which my son will need to be sensitive to in order for this marriage to work well? The more I know about her needs, the more I can help my son be a great husband.
6. What do you enjoy doing in your free time and whom do you do it with? How a woman spends her time and whom she spends it with tells me a lot about her.
7. What is your understanding of the roles of the husband and wife in a marriage? What role do you expect my son to play in the marriage? What role do you see yourself having? It is very important to get a person’s expectations on the table before the “I Do” is said. I am asking this as much for my son as I am for my sake.
8. What attracts you to my son? Certainly the physical will be part of it (or should be), but it better not be all there is. The more character qualities she mentions, the more points she gains with me. I really hope to hear that she respects him!
9. How much debt are you bringing into this marriage? Many people have college loans. I want my son to know what he will have to handle as the provider. Hopefully he already knows the answer to this question.
10. What are some of your guiding principles and philosophies of parenting? This woman will be the mother of my grandkids. Pretty important!
11. When you have children, do you desire to be a stay-home mom or work outside the home? I hope she wants to be home with the kids, and I certainly hope my son’s salary would allow her to be home.
12. Tell me about your past dating relationships. This will make a lot of people squirm, but if she has made some mistakes (which most of us have), how has she made past wrongs right and gained a clear conscience? My son will suffer if she brings past baggage into the marriage.
13. How will you respond when my son is struggling in some area, like with anger or lust? I should probably share with her what I have observed to be some of the major struggles in my son’s life. She probably already knows them. She needs to know what she is getting into, because we can so easily hide our weakness when dating.
14. If you ever feel like my son is putting his work or hobbies before you, how will you respond? Can she speak the truth in love?
15. What is your biggest fear or apprehension about marriage?
16. What will you do if you are struggling in this marriage and an old boyfriend tries to make contact with you on the Internet? Marriage counselors tell us that the Internet is in some way a major force in 70% of all divorces.
17. What will you do when your sex drive decreases but his stays the same or increases (this often occurs after you have a child)? What will you do to avoid sexual immorality in the marriage? No commentary needed here, because the importance of this area is obvious to all.
18. Are you physically healthy? Are you willing to take a blood test for STDs? When I got married we had to do this. Can’t believe this isn’t required today.
19. What is something in your past that was painful or difficult, and how have you trusted God through it? This is a great question to ask any fellow follower of Christ.
20. Do you have any questions for me? The questions people ask tell me a lot about them.
Now that we are done with questions, I have a statement to make: if my son ever treats you poorly, feel free to come to me, and I will do everything I can to help.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Questions a Father Should Ask Someone Dating His Daughter
Fathers, once your daughter is in a serious relationship, you might consider asking the young man some (or all) of the following questions (commentary in italix):
1. Have you received Christ as the Forgiver and Leader of your life?/Tell me about your conversion experience. If this man is not saved, he is disqualified immediately because I don’t want my daughter being unequally yoked. Marriage is hard enough when you are equally yoked.
2. Where are you at with the Lord right now, and what are you doing to grow in your relationship with Him? This tells me if he is a growing Christian. It also tells me what spiritual disciplines he practices. If he can’t be disciplined as a single man, not much chance he will once married.
3. Are you in an accountability relationship with another man (or men’s group)? Howard Hendricks says a man who doesn’t have this in his life …. is an accident waiting to happen.
4. Tell me about your relationship with your parents (the good and not so good)? Often a man will treat his wife the way he treated his mother. Might be a good idea to talk to his mother. She will know her son well!
5. What do you enjoy doing in your free time and whom do you do it with? How a man spends his time and whom he spends it with tells me a lot about him.
6. What is your understanding of the roles of the husband and wife in a marriage? What role do you expect my daughter to play in the marriage? If he thinks he can come home from work, put his feet up, and have my daughter serve him hand and foot, I just might have to put my foot down on him.
7. What attracts you to my daughter? Certainly the physical will be part of it (or should be), but it better not be all there is. The more character qualities he mentions, the more points he gains with me.
8. What needs do you have in your life in which my daughter will need to be sensitive to in order for this marriage to work well? Hey, knowing this can help me to help him should my daughter ever come to me with frustrations. We men need to look after one another.
9. What is your fatal flaw (i.e. besetting sin or area of greatest vulnerability) and what are you doing to make sure it doesn’t flare up and burn your house down? I am assuming here that I have a close enough relationship with him to ask such a personal question.
10. How are you going to be the financial provider? He better pass this question or else he doesn’t have a chance, because I am not going to pay the bills forever, and he better be able to or else I am not giving my daughter to this guy.
11. How much debt do you have? Do you have a plan to pay it off? How a man manages his money says a lot about him.
12. How are you going to provide spiritual leadership in the marriage and family (when kids come)? I will give extra grace here because I realize we all have a ways to go here, but he at least he better have some thoughts on this one.
13. When my daughter gives birth to your children, what are your expectations of her in the marriage now (i.e. stay home, work outside the home, etc.)? It is never too early to think about these kinds of things. At least it gets them as a couple talking this, if they haven’t already.
14. What are some of your guiding principles and philosophies of parenting? This guy might father my grandkids! Pretty important.
15. Tell me about your past dating relationships. This will make a lot of guys squirm, but if so, how has he made past wrongs right and gained a clear conscience? My daughter will suffer if he brings past baggage into the marriage.
16. How will you respond when my daughter is struggling in some area? I am looking for sensitivity, kindness, and tenderness here.
17. What will you do if you are struggling in your marriage and an old girlfriend tries to make contact with you on the Internet? Marriage counselors tell us that the Internet is in some way a major force in 70% of all divorces.
18. What will you do when your wife’s sex drive decreases but yours stays the same or increases? What will you do to avoid sexual immorality? No commentary needed here, because the importance of this area is obvious to all.
19. Is there pornography in your past or present, and if so, what are you doing about it? I’m not going to say anymore here.
20. When my daughter/your wife is at that “time of the month” and becomes quite irritable, how are you going to handle it? What will you do if she is driving you crazy and you are about to loose your temper? He probably won’t know how to answer this, but at least it gets him thinking.
21. Are you physically healthy? Are you willing to take a blood test for STDs? When I got married we had to do this. Can’t believe this isn’t required today.
22. What is something in your past that was painful or difficult, and how have you trusted God through it? This is a great question to ask any fellow follower of Christ.
23. Do you have any questions for me? The questions people ask tell me a lot about them.
Now that we are done with questions, I have a statement to make: if you ever hurt my daughter, I will kill you!
1. Have you received Christ as the Forgiver and Leader of your life?/Tell me about your conversion experience. If this man is not saved, he is disqualified immediately because I don’t want my daughter being unequally yoked. Marriage is hard enough when you are equally yoked.
2. Where are you at with the Lord right now, and what are you doing to grow in your relationship with Him? This tells me if he is a growing Christian. It also tells me what spiritual disciplines he practices. If he can’t be disciplined as a single man, not much chance he will once married.
3. Are you in an accountability relationship with another man (or men’s group)? Howard Hendricks says a man who doesn’t have this in his life …. is an accident waiting to happen.
4. Tell me about your relationship with your parents (the good and not so good)? Often a man will treat his wife the way he treated his mother. Might be a good idea to talk to his mother. She will know her son well!
5. What do you enjoy doing in your free time and whom do you do it with? How a man spends his time and whom he spends it with tells me a lot about him.
6. What is your understanding of the roles of the husband and wife in a marriage? What role do you expect my daughter to play in the marriage? If he thinks he can come home from work, put his feet up, and have my daughter serve him hand and foot, I just might have to put my foot down on him.
7. What attracts you to my daughter? Certainly the physical will be part of it (or should be), but it better not be all there is. The more character qualities he mentions, the more points he gains with me.
8. What needs do you have in your life in which my daughter will need to be sensitive to in order for this marriage to work well? Hey, knowing this can help me to help him should my daughter ever come to me with frustrations. We men need to look after one another.
9. What is your fatal flaw (i.e. besetting sin or area of greatest vulnerability) and what are you doing to make sure it doesn’t flare up and burn your house down? I am assuming here that I have a close enough relationship with him to ask such a personal question.
10. How are you going to be the financial provider? He better pass this question or else he doesn’t have a chance, because I am not going to pay the bills forever, and he better be able to or else I am not giving my daughter to this guy.
11. How much debt do you have? Do you have a plan to pay it off? How a man manages his money says a lot about him.
12. How are you going to provide spiritual leadership in the marriage and family (when kids come)? I will give extra grace here because I realize we all have a ways to go here, but he at least he better have some thoughts on this one.
13. When my daughter gives birth to your children, what are your expectations of her in the marriage now (i.e. stay home, work outside the home, etc.)? It is never too early to think about these kinds of things. At least it gets them as a couple talking this, if they haven’t already.
14. What are some of your guiding principles and philosophies of parenting? This guy might father my grandkids! Pretty important.
15. Tell me about your past dating relationships. This will make a lot of guys squirm, but if so, how has he made past wrongs right and gained a clear conscience? My daughter will suffer if he brings past baggage into the marriage.
16. How will you respond when my daughter is struggling in some area? I am looking for sensitivity, kindness, and tenderness here.
17. What will you do if you are struggling in your marriage and an old girlfriend tries to make contact with you on the Internet? Marriage counselors tell us that the Internet is in some way a major force in 70% of all divorces.
18. What will you do when your wife’s sex drive decreases but yours stays the same or increases? What will you do to avoid sexual immorality? No commentary needed here, because the importance of this area is obvious to all.
19. Is there pornography in your past or present, and if so, what are you doing about it? I’m not going to say anymore here.
20. When my daughter/your wife is at that “time of the month” and becomes quite irritable, how are you going to handle it? What will you do if she is driving you crazy and you are about to loose your temper? He probably won’t know how to answer this, but at least it gets him thinking.
21. Are you physically healthy? Are you willing to take a blood test for STDs? When I got married we had to do this. Can’t believe this isn’t required today.
22. What is something in your past that was painful or difficult, and how have you trusted God through it? This is a great question to ask any fellow follower of Christ.
23. Do you have any questions for me? The questions people ask tell me a lot about them.
Now that we are done with questions, I have a statement to make: if you ever hurt my daughter, I will kill you!
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